never sell out//never buy in

Yesterday was weird.

It’s a long story, but I found out my cousin OD’d and died in some apartment complex early yesterday. She was 18.

I wasn’t close with her. It was my uncle’s kid, he wasn’t around much, he was in and out of jail when I was growing up. Him and my cousin’s mom were never married, as I got older, we distanced ourselves from his ex and their 3 kids. I didn’t really consider my cousins a part of my family. And to be honest, the one that died hated me and my family, for no real reason, but I didn’t like her either. My grandparents (AKA the greatest people you will ever meet) did so much for them though. They love their grandkids and will literally do anything for them so they’re having a rough time, and it’s really hard to have to see them go through that. 

Even though I didn’t like her, I’m a really empathetic person and it makes me really upset. She had a fucked up life and what her family is going through now is probably the most painful thing ever. She has two older sisters and a younger brother that she was extremely close with, and a baby brother just recently born. Her one older sister just had a baby a week ago, so she was also a new aunt. 

I know some people might not sympathize with her because she was on drugs, but she was molested as a kid and everyone should realize that that effects a person’s entire life. 

When I found out, I didn’t cry. Like I said I wasn’t close with her, I was just in shock. Maybe I should have seen something like that coming but I never expected to hear it. I started thinking about my grandparents, and they’re not okay. I didn’t even think about my uncle until later. I guess he completely slipped my mind cause he’s never been involved in my life at all. Right now he’s in jail on assault charges and he would have to be told by a complete stranger that his youngest daughter is dead because he isn’t allowed to receive phone calls, only make them. 

I know I’ve left a lot of the story out because its like one of those things that you wouldn’t fully understand unless you were there, but regardless, last night I just kept thinking about everything and how hurt everyone must be, and wondering about how she was before she died. I ended up finding her and her sister’s facebooks and looking at them. My cousin posted a status update like less than 24 hours before she died and it seemed completely normal. I ended up just crying until I fell asleep. 

Her mom said she can’t afford a funeral.